Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Camper Plan

Since I have decided to move
I have had so many offers of a place to lay my hat.
I have also been swayed by the idea of living in a camper van for a month.
I hope it looks like this:

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Love me please, love me

I can't stop listening to this song.
It was sent to me by a lovely dark eyed boy and every time I hear it I am reminded of his vigour for life.
I don't know him, but I do.

Bag lady

I have realised that I cannot afford to live in my old creaky 
sunny happy plant filled flat. 
So I have done it; 
I have messaged my landlord and I am moving out at the end of the month.
When I was younger my mum and dad called me their wee bag lady. 
They used to give me a plastic shopping bag so that I could pick up everything I wanted to keep from the street. 
I picked up silvery chewing gum wrappers, 
discarded objects,
hundreds of shiny yellow dandelion heads. 
As I got older I began to horde everything and now I live in a room the equivalent of a junk shop. 
I collect clocks and cameras and suitcases 
and sticks and sandy shells and old musty books and woolly blankets and framed pictures .
I middle names.
I am now going back to being a bag lady. 

Sofa Life. 

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Tat tits

Men before women

I went to see Martha Marcy May Marlene last night.
The film is about a religious cult living sustainably on a farm in America.  
In it, the women serve the men their dinner.
Only once the men have finished are the women allowed to eat.
The boy I went with came home with me and I made him pancakes.
He ate them first and I ate them second.
Then we both felt a little strange.

Sunday, 19 February 2012

I like elephants.

A man came up to me the other day and started talking to me about elephants. He told me that they have the same average life as a human being. They have a full set of teeth and spend their lives grinning and gnashing. As you do, with teeth.
Over time, like humans, the teeth of the elephant fall out. They begins to look a bit gappy: less happy.
The man told me that when all the elephants teeth fall out, it can't eat anymore.
So it dies.
I want to know why we haven't developed elephant soup recipes. Or maybe elephant dentistry?
We could make massive sets of false teeth and then see how long they live for.
I'm not saying this is true. I'm just saying.

When I was younger my grandfather asked me what my favourite animal was.
I told him that I loved elephants.
He bought me a gold bracelet with small elephant charms linked on.
I wore it every day.
One by one I lost the charms; they clinked off in between cracks, onto pavements, at the bottom of my bag.
I stopped wearing it so that I wouldn't lose them all.
Where are they now? I hope they managed to learn to drive and went on a road trip around America.

Friday, 3 February 2012

This is rad

Entitled 'Venus de mom'

Cleaning tips

So now I'm a cleaner.
I got the job from a conversation with a drunk man on a Tuesday evening.
He took my number and now I have a job.
His first text told me to stand outside the Tower Bakery at 8.15 wearing clothes that I did not care for.
I had to wait for a blue fiat van.
At 8.30 the van rolled up spewing soap suds out of its exhaust pipe and mops out the windows.
My first job was to clean the radiators in an office up the Conchie Road.
I brought in my own toothbrush to get into the wee cracks.
I didn't brush my teeth afterwards.
A woman told me that she had never seen a radiator so vigorously and emotionally cleaned.
I wanted to tell her that I had a degree.
Yesterday I cleaned a flat in the hilltown.
I had to make an oven sparkle using only Harpic and some Tesco Value dish cloths.
The grease was 3cm thick and there was no running water in the house.
Henry my hoover maintained his smile for the whole day to keep my spirits up.
Thanks Henry.